The New Adventures Of Gary & Stu In Neverland

Mortimer Now In Windmill Renovation

2007-01-27T17:00:00.000Z

Hot on the success of last years Lighthouse conversion, comedian Bob Mortimer is currently converting a former windmill into a stunning contemporary family home.

"I'm keeping the sails," maintains Bob, the funny bloke off the telly, "I'm hoping to rig them up so they generate electricity to power a revolving hat stand feature in the entrance hall"

Property development by comedians in rural locations can reap serious money from the trend of city types moving out of urban areas thirsty for a more relaxed lifestyle in the country, but with such a unique property comes big risks, Mortimer remains confident however he can achieve this conversion on budget though with his previous successful experience of developing tower living.

Arrival of Wiseman and Camel Marks Start of January Madness Sale At Uncle Stu's Carpet Warehouse

2007-01-03T11:51:00.000Z

Your old carpet got you down in the dumps? Trailing about in the January sales is enough to give anybody the hump, but this new year at Uncle Stu's Carpet Warehouse January Madness Sale, me and my friend Colin the Camel have got the hump for you! So you can relax and be assured you won’t find your carpet and flooring needs cheaper anywhere else!

I'm going completely cuckoo! I've slashed upto 70% off selected carpets and laminate flooring, off my already unbelievably low prices and wherever you see the Colin the Camel sticker in store i'll throw in free fitting too!

That's not all! With Uncle Stu's Price Guarantee Promise if you find your carpets cheaper anywhere else I'll refund you double the difference and even bake you a pie! That's how confident I am my prices are the best!

You can look on t'internet but you won't find owt, I'm practically giving away my carpets for nowt! So don't waste your time trailing about, get yourself down to Uncle Stu's Carpet Warehouse . . . Cribs Causeway Bristol, Junction 17 off the M5 . . NOW!

". . .Nobody gives you more it's true, get your carpets from Uncle Stu"

Bernard Manning's Garden Monorail

2006-12-26T14:05:00.000Z

Controversial comedian Bernard Manning has built a rideable monorail in his garden, which features a round tour of the lawn before travelling behind the shed, through a greenhouse and daringly bridges across the garden pond.

The narrow gauge track is built entirely of wood by Manning himself and features a two passenger vehicle capable of transporting the larger than life comedian's weighty man-paps and multiple chins.

The comic now dreams of opening the monorail to the public in order to raise funds for charities "I'd love to open my garden monorail to the public," roared Bernard "I'd charge some kind of admission to raise money for sick kiddies, but those rotters at the Health & Safety executive won't grant me the licence."

Local MP Sir Reginald Crumbly has commented "Members of the local community have 'expressed concern' over Manning's garden monorail"

Council planning department are said to be investigating the legality of the garden transit system, in the meantime Manning is confident one day he'll be able to open his monorail to the public.

The Gentleman's Bridge Of Doom Contest 2006

2006-12-02T10:56:00.000Z

Today at The Seaside it is The Gentleman's Bridge Of Doom Contest this consists of all the participants donning hats picking up a can of cider and making there way across the Bridge Of Doom. In reality this 'bridge' is a piece of playground equipment. Participants have three attempts to traverse this bridge. The winner of this contest gets a year’s free supply of grapes and pomegranates.

Big On Cheese

2006-11-15T14:13:00.000Z

Here at The Seaside we love eating cheese with the exception to Stu because eating cheese makes him sick. So his new shop shows us that he still loves cheese but in a different way.

With small models of every thing imaginable from bridges, to teapots, to cows and my favourite a block of cheese.

Good luck with the new shop Stu

In a bag how handy?

2006-11-15T13:49:00.000Z

Supermarket chain Lidl have come up with a new way of selling their chickens at there inner city stores. The new pick and mix 'Freerange' chickens are just popped into a plastic bag while they are still alive this also makes them easier to carry.

A spokesman form Lidl comment ''I don't know why it hasn't been thought of before it just such an easy way to both transport them and on to and off the shelves''

Toy Town Red Light District Opens To General Acclaim

2006-11-14T12:35:00.000Z

The new red light district of Toy Town opened to general acclaim last night, following over five years of tough government reforms on sex legislation laws.

Located in the dark passageways and narrow back alleys of formerly socially deprived area of Toy Town, the new establishments aim to offer a more upmarket venue, with kinky saunas, massage saloons and VIP suites

"The new liberal atmosphere is very refreshing," commented the minister for tourism "the Toy Town sex scene is very sophisticated, rather than the vulgar cheap-puppet-fisting available in the red light district of Fairytale Land"

Minister of Trees Admits To Helping Henry Hoover With Visa Application

2006-11-12T16:00:00.000Z

More scandal in Downing Street as The Minister of Trees has admitted to assisting Henry Hoover, the popular domestic appliance, with his Visa application forms

The Minister of Trees was snapped by a Sunday newspaper in a secret meeting with Henry Hoover to help the hose nosed vacuum cleaner with his paperwork for his Visa request forms

"Henry is a long-time friend, he's always been there in the under stairs cupboard for me when I’ve been in some messy situations myself," the Minister of Trees stated, "He needed help filling in the application for a Visa card as he has no means himself to write his details on the form, he was also previously turned down by Mastercard"

Remote Controlled Ducks Bring Record Visitor Numbers To The Seaside

2006-11-11T22:40:00.000Z

Tourism figures are through the roof at The Seaside, 2006's annual visitor figures have reached an all time record high an achievement which has been credited to the introduction of the new Remote Controlled Duck Attraction which opened last April

Visitors have come from far and wide and queued up to four hours to experience the multi-million pound lottery funded attraction

Using state of the art technology visitors can pilot their own animatronic duck around a small pond, via an infra red remote control system "The technology behind the attraction is based on the same principles as your television remote control at home" gleefully remarked Dr Falshaw, the attractions technological director, "It's taken us seven years and £7m to develop the technology and integrate it into a practical day to day operation"

The Mayor of The Seaside is delighted with the impact of the Remote Control Ducks "There's a common misconception amongst the general public that The Seaside has seen better days and become very down market, Remote Control Ducks is just the kind of thing we needed to show to people we're still committed to investing for the future of the resort and importantly there’s still excitement to be had at the Seaside"

Supermarket's Gingerbread Orgy Shocker

2006-11-10T23:12:00.000Z

Sainsbury's supermarket has come under fire for promoting and accommodating wild Gingerbread orgies on their filthy shelves

The supermarket giant is making life taste saltier, stocking plastic beds overflowing with naked asexual gingerbread people thrust together in a full on reckless orgy of confectionary sleaze

"These bastards are corrupting our children, it's just another example of how giant corporations are peddling their smut into our everyday lives," claimed the furious Bishop of Wetwang who continued "Gingerbread people were tempting enough, think of the all the evil sugars and calories. Now Sainsbury's are packaging them in sex orgies, they have made them the ultimate sin"

Oddie Captivated By Moth On Radiator

2006-10-22T15:24:00.000Z

Bill Oddie was reportedly captivated for over five minutes at a moth which was taking a brief pause from flight on the top of a radiator in his Devon holiday cottage.

The moth took a breather from a life of flapping about the place, on the top of the radiator besides Bill’s work desk, thankfully it was turned off at the time

"When I first clapped my goggle tubes on the Cinnabar moth I was very excited," exclaimed Oddie the infamous ornithologist, conservationist and old sentimentalist "it's very unusual to see the bright red coloured wings of a Cinnabar at this time of year, that's ruddy global warming for you"

Village Idiot

2006-08-06T12:45:00.000Z

Well today saw the first in a long line of auditions for the new village idiot for the small village of The Seaside. Miss Swainswick was the first in the queue in what the local press are calling “Idiot Idol”. Judges thought that her shouting at the traffic skills were fantastic and her volume was second to none but her arm waving skills were just not up to scratch. Auditions will carry on for the next 12 days in the hope to find a suitable replacement for old Mr Toshmege who died when he was waving his penis at a car on the high street. God bless you Mr Toshmege.

Snoopy Ate My Mother

2006-07-18T23:51:00.000Z

Popular entertainer and acclaimed Hollywood legend Snoopy attempted to eat Stu's Mother in what California State Police officials are believing to be a revenge attack at a showbiz shindig on Tuesday afternoon

Guests at the Paul Shane tribute lunch witnessed the alcohol fuelled Dog seek vengeance on Stu's Mother after the accredited soap star ate an ice cream replica of Snoopy's face

"There's always been a high degree of tension between Snoopy & Stu," commented VH1 valium consuming showbiz reporter Cindi Fuzshay, "it all boils back to the time when Stu was chosen as the lead role in the Home & Away movie over Snoopy"

Snoopy was remanded overnight in police custody and released the next morning after charges were not pressed.

Bob Holness On Quest For Lost Little Chefs

2006-07-17T00:06:00.000Z

TV Legend Bob Holness has set out on a quest to visit every former Little Chef restaurant in the British Isles.

Travelling from Lands End to John O'Groats in a Winnebago with only his cat "Morrissey" for company, Bob plans to visit and photograph every former site of the infamous roadside cafe, using old complimentary map books to uncover their locations.

"The Happy Eater ones don't really count," he chuckles, "But I do like to document them too as the takeover was a major apart of the Little Chef's history"

Many Little Chef restaurants still serve as essential roadside resting places for travellers far and wide, although sadly some got left behind, Bob's quest is a tribute to those lost Little Chefs.

While some have found new lives as alternatives to Little Chef like Devon's infamous "Newcott Chef" most have sadly been abandoned or demolished "It's quite an overwhelming emotional experience, to encounter a deserted outlet, but it’s worth it for my science" maintains Bob.

Television set owners can follow bob’s live progress by pressing the red button on their digital remote control.

Magic of Gary and Bert Set For Vegas

2006-06-21T18:26:00.000Z

After five successful seasons impressing the crowds at Oakwood Theme Park, up and coming illusionists Gary & Bert have landed a $2million contract perform their new magic show at the MGM Grand Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas.

The new show promises death defying escapes, acrobatic ducks and the pairs infamous comedy capering.

Despite the distinct American razzle dazzle to the new show, audiences will not be disappointed as Gary & Bert’s signature disappearing jam sandwich illusion will remain in the new show.

Mortimer In Lighthouse Renovation Rumour

2006-06-18T07:58:00.000Z

Comedian Bob Mortimer is rumoured to be converting a disused Lighthouse into home.

"Converting the Lighthouse is not just about the money," commented a friend, "this is a project Bob can genuinely devote his creative energy too"

It's not the first time a popular comedian has turned to property development to generate a supplementary income. In the late 1990s Mel Smith converted a malt barn into five self-contained swanky apartments and is said to have profited greatly.

Fearne Cotton Creosotes Nipples

2006-06-16T09:41:00.000Z

Television presenter Fearne Cotton has reportedly creosoted her nipples, according to exclusive photos in this weeks Heat magazine.

"Nobody is quite sure why" commented a BBC spokesperson.

Lost Month Found

2006-06-15T20:08:00.000Z

The Month of May which had previously been lost was found today down the back of the sofa, along with 31pence sterling in change and the remains of a quaver.

"It's always the last place you look" commented the Mayor.

The News Today

2006-04-10T18:55:00.000Z

....And in other news Stu played hide and seek with the giraffes at the zoo.

Stu points to where he found a giraffe hiding, Stu was quoted as saying "he was an elusive little bugger he had his head hidden in the sand and I couldn't see him. But then he needed to come up for air and that’s when I saw him"

So after that grand day Stu was once again crowned Grand Hide and Seek Champion of the World.

Hidden Parts #001: Bath

2006-03-23T16:31:00.000Z

As qualified practitioners of Tourism, Dr Gary & Dr Stu are more than qualified to give expert advice on some of the united kingdoms great cities pointing out their hidden facts and interesting sights to see, that you probably wouldn’t find a leaflet on at the local tourism information centre.

The first in the series of our Hidden Parts focuses on the dandiest city of the South West, Bath, here are the facts* . . . .

1. Bath was built 14 years ago by Persimmon Homes, the counterfeit heritage sites and legendary historical tales are merely all a publicity stunt.

2. The original architect plans famous Royal Crescent were to construct a replica of the moon, however it was only a crescent moon on the night the street was built.

3. The elevated walkway in George Street was built for the arrival of King George in 1993 as the whacky king had a phobia of been on the same level as peasants.

4. The Circus is so-called as originally it was a circus with clowns, acrobats and giraffes. However the stone built walls prevented it from touring Great Britain and its success was short lived before it was converted into trendy apartments.

5. The first post box was in Bath, it was made out of cardboard by Mr Hawkshaw’s year 3 class so that the children could post Christmas cards to their friends into it, which would be collected, sorted and distributed by well behaved members of Year 6.

6. There is a museum in Bath dedicated to Jane Austin because the famous author once was caught short on a visit to the city and took a dump in the bushes of the Victoria park.

7. Roman Bath was a very clean society and law stipulated that prostitutes must clean their vaginas with the fur of a live otter before a Centurion could pleasure his helmet.

8. The Mayor of Bath refuses to open any public ceremony without first receiving a choc-ice and a handjob.

9. The opening of the Thermae Bath Spa attraction was actually delayed because during the formal opening ceremony, Luciano Pavarotti dive-bombed into the spa pool causing all the water to leap out.

10. The guy who always sits to the side of the stage in the comedy cavern is secretly working undercover for MI5 and filters the caption competition entries for possible clues to the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden.

* Facts are actually untrue.

Mayor Covers Private Parts

2006-03-20T19:55:00.000Z

The Mayor of the Seaside, Dr. Reginald McCandless, today prevented the town from been victim to scandalous filth as he covered up private parts.

The obscene and indeed smutty private parts were heading for a group of school children and pensions who were gathered to witness the mayor opening the new ticket machine in the car park behind Woolworths.

However the Mayor saw the ominous filth approaching and quickly shielded it from the view of the children and the pensioners, preventing the town's more impressionable residents from dangerous exposure to private parts, nice one Reg!

Moths and 80's Hits

2006-03-14T16:34:00.000Z

Today at 2.37pm there was an astounding break through in the world of moth balls. Moth ball factory owner Clement Strive discovered if a small micro chip was placed inside a moth ball with a recording of Kajagoogoo’s 80’s hit 'Too Shy' played backwards at double speed discourages the moths from eating socks that are stored on hangers in built in wardrobes. This was later tested on pairs of socks and found to be totally ineffective.

Tree Piece

2006-03-13T09:06:00.000Z

In previous weeks we exclusively reveal that the Minister of Trees has been offered a sum of around £120,000 (GBP) to appear on the Australian version of Celebrity Big Brother. But we were wrong he didn’t go to Australia or even anywhere near Darren Hayes. He went to China where he launched a new weekly magazine “Tree Piece” with the tag line ‘Each week collect a new piece of tree and build your own tree for next to nothing’. The first issue of which will be only £2.99 and £7.99 each week there after.

Chuffing Steam Trains

2006-03-11T23:31:00.000Z

Chuffing steam trains were spotted littering the cobbled streets of The Seaside for the 75th annual steam train extravaganza.
The whole village was out to see them chuff by their upstairs windows, on the back of large low loader Lorries as there is no rail link in to The Seaside as Dr Beeching took it out to add to his miniature railway in his back garden.
All in all it was a wonderful day for all, the whole flock of local seagulls had their faces painted by the blacksmiths wife and there was singing and merriment for all.

Giant Hand Hovers Ominously Over Bowl Of Nachos

2006-03-10T11:47:00.000Z

The decent hard grafting folk of York were disturbed to discover the revelation that a giant hand was ominously looming over a bowl of nachos within a dinging establishment inside the city walls, as they went about their day to day business unknowingly.

"I haven't heard owt so daft in years," said a dandy northern gent “Mexican food north of Sheffield whatever next"

Des O'Connor Pilots Controversial Hot Air Balloon Over Lincolnshire Coast

2006-03-09T19:35:00.000Z

Popular TV personality and entertainer, Des O'Connor has caused a right hullabaloo for flying a controversial hot air balloon made from wallaby scrotums over the Lincolnshire coastline.

The hot air balloon was part of a pilot scheme to test a new lightweight yet durable material, made from wallaby scrotums, as the marsupial's genital sack has the right properties to withstand the extreme temperature conditions needed to make hot air balloons.

"I may have caused a bit of a stir but I have no regrets," commented a chirpy Des, "It was great to look down on the beautiful Lincolnshire coast from the clouds, the awe-inspiring scenic views made me feel like a magical heron."

What is All this crap of “Rainbow Sheep”

2006-03-08T11:47:00.000Z

Toddlers in Oxfordshire are being taught to sing "Baa baa, rainbow sheep" instead of the traditional baa baa black sheep. Come on what is a rainbow sheep anyway that going to teach children that sheep have multi coloured wool as the result of genetic mutation is that what we want to teach our children, why haven't the changed the 'Master' as well, as this denotes slavery and that's not PC either has the world gone utterly mad well I Think so bloody stupid Idiots. Next we will have to change all of our great literature that evolves anything that's not PC, which in turn will fcuk up or nation's history. All I have to say is "BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY WOOL".

Tapir Inconvenienced By Convenience Store

2006-03-07T23:00:00.000Z

A Malayan Tapir visiting friends and relatives in the West Midlands was inconvenienced when a self proclaimed 'Convenience Store' refused to serve him as he didn't know his chip and pin number.

"We can confirm that a Malayan Tapir entered the store at approximately 17:14 on Monday 6th March 2006, and attempted to purchase a watermelon," confirmed the duty manager of the retail outlet in question, who continued "However the customer didn't know his chip and pin number so was unable to use his credit card to make the purchase and didn't at that time have access to an alternative payment method such as cash or card"

"I was outraged, how can they justify calling themselves a convenience store when it is very inconvenient that you are unable to make watermelon purchases there" claimed the Malayan Tapir "But even after this whole ordeal I still have faith that residents of the west midlands are the friendliest people on earth."

The First Year of Madness

2006-03-06T14:11:00.000Z

Airbrushing, kittens, the Minister of Trees, the Ask Stu Group, drug dealing ducks, mechanical owls, imaginary top hats, crazy golf scandals, penny farthings, west country farmers, syrup fiends, shoes on the run, and yes . . I do believe that clutch smells glazed

The Adventures of Gary & Stu is officially one year old and to celebrate there will be more frequent updates, and I’ll attempt to change the template again

w00t!

Fire! Fire! London Village is Bruning!

2006-02-24T12:00:00.000Z

Well today in London village there was a fire on the 37th story of a very large building which housed the The National Metrological Departments for Fire and Small Cat Death Prevention. The fire was confined to the ladies bathroom on that floor luckily the quick thinking of a small cat saved the whole building. The Cat jumped out of the window and landed on a police car the driver of the said car then looked up and saw the smoke. All I can say is thank god for that cat otherwise that fire could have been a lot worse.

Black Tuesday For Crazy Golf

2006-01-24T16:16:00.000Z

The world of Crazy Golf was hit by a major blow today as the entire Ukrainian Team was banned from all competitions for the next 50 years. The team was banned to the large amount of refreshers sweets which are well-known as a performance enhancing drug in the world of Crazy Golf. This is a sad and black day for all involved in Crazy Golf.

Minister of Trees Tipped for Australian Celebrity Big Brother

2006-01-18T19:20:00.000Z

We can exclusively reveal that the Minister of Trees has been offered a sum of around £120,000 (GBP) to appear on the Australian version of Celebrity Big Brother.

The Minister is tipped to spice up the Auzzie version of the infamous reality show, the Minister can expect to live in a more deluxe house than used in the British version of the show, with a swimming pool, gym and disco to keep him and the eleven other Australian celebrities amused.

The celebrities lined up to join the minister are rumoured to include actress Anne Charleston and ex-savage garden front man Darren Hayes.

Mechanical Owl Secretly Controls Vending Machine

2006-01-11T09:19:00.000Z

Scientists in Leek, Staffordshire, have revealed how vending machines actually work, confessing that the dispensing of assorted snacks is overseen by a mechanical owl and a complex system of ropes and pulleys.

The mechanical owl is rather a solitary creature and often seeks attention by purposely withholding items customers have attempted to purchase in an endeavour to seduce the infuriated customer to insert their hands up its exit flap and grasp around the mechanical owl's catacombs trying to obtain their reward and in turn pleasuring the owls mechanical needs.

The mechanical owl is in turn powered by a clockwork monkey, which is replaced, when the vending machine is restocked with produce.

Crazy and the Olympics.

2006-01-10T18:49:00.000Z

Today it was announced that Crazy Golf would make it in to the Olympics for 2012. It has been reported that the Olympic commission decided to include it as it was one of the UK most played sports and it was considered that we would have a good chance to win. The Crazy Golf society was quoted as saying “We are over the moon we can’t wait we have upped our practices to 5 nights a week and the lawns man will be working overtime to make sure we are at the top of out game” Well we hope the boys and girls can do us proud as we say good luck.

Horse Madness

2006-01-06T18:49:00.000Z

The promenade in The Seaside was blocked today when farmer Smith-Jones-Gleetham filled up his diesel horse with unleaded petrol. The road was blocked for hours before the RAC finally came to the rescue and emptied out the horses’ tank and kindly filled it up with the right fuel. So all in all a busy day in The Seaside.

Comments

2006-01-05T20:55:00.000Z

During the last seven days we have had a lot of comments from the world of comedy including one from fellow carrot cruncher Mr Bill Bailey who hails from the west country as is now the new leader of the of the Carrot Crunching Party he won a recent landslide victory against himself by a massive 95%. He was quoted saying “I owe a lot to these lads they made me who I am today by not doing anything to stop me”

We Are Doctors Now

2006-01-05T20:03:00.000Z

Stu and I became doctors to day not real ones mind you. But we still wear the get up as it suits our eye colours. The doctorhoods were handed out buy the well known university of The Seaside in a lavish ceremony at high noon today. Stu and myself are now going to work in the radiology department of the local hospital even though we have no medical qualification or experience, but they didn’t seem to mind and snapped us up straight away saying “laughter is the best medicine anyway” so we both start new jobs on February the first in the hospital.

Why should we be filtered

2006-01-04T19:19:00.000Z

Dear Sirs or Madams

It has been noted to us that some of the content of our wondrous Blog The New Adventures Of Gary & Stu In Neverland has been filtered, is this because you wish to silence the wonder and combined comedy genius that has taken the world by storm or because it has naughty words in it? Truth be told this is all in the name of fun and is a voyage in to the dandy surreal and unknown which sometime leads to us writing naughty words such as trumpet, wang or bluetit and for that we are very unsorry and will continue to unleash this unto the world

Hugs and Kisses

Gary and Stu

Shoe's On The Run

2005-12-31T11:16:00.000Z

Two rouge shoes found looking at ladies lingerie in Marks and Spencer. The size 5 ladies sandal and the size 12 mans work shoe were found 1 hour 30 minuets after the in store security were alerted to the disappearance of the ‘odd couple’ were found in the bridle section of the lingerie department as they were believed to be planning to elope. Luckily security pounced of the happy couple as they were selecting a rather expensive suspender belt with matching bar and thong set.

Hooray

2005-12-30T16:39:00.000Z

The town of The Seaside in Englandshire has just been announced as the number one place to live by the board of the number one place to live council. The council as be quoted as saying “the fact that world famous bloggers Gary and Stu live there it’s a natural attraction for anyone in the entire world”. Recent surveys have also shown that The Seaside is also the number one tourist destination in Englandshire.

Minister Of Trees In Bear Hug Scandal

2005-12-15T10:45:00.000Z

The Minister of Trees for the British government has admitted the allegations that he seeks comfort in the arms of a giant teddy bear are indeed factual at a special press conference in Glasgow.

"I have such a stressful role within the government the pressure is just too much, I need to go home after work and just lay naked in the fury yet comforting embrace of my giant teddy bear while I weep for at least three hours solid, then I can truly get on with my personal life" announced the Minister of Trees to the gathered world media.

The Editor of the Sun newspaper uncovered the story when they followed a tip off of extreme quantities of honey been delivered to the Minister's Kensington address. Back bench MPs are calling for the Ministers resignation, however the Prime Minister remains committed to the Minister of Trees term in office.

Bill Oddie Roller Coaster Chimp Murder

2005-12-03T18:04:00.000Z

Ornithological legend Bill Oddie recently was responsible for the tragic death of a chimp during a visit to Valleyfair amusement park, Minnesota

In an attempt to understand and get closer to birds Bill Oddie wanted to ride the roller coasters in particular as he claims "Wow I’d love to be up there in the sky soaring through the clouds with the wind whistling through my beard just like my favourite chaffinch."

However Bill insisted he would only ride the roller coasters if he was accompanied by a chimp smoking a pipe.

Unfortunately after multiple rides on Valleyfair’s Corkscrew the Chimp tragically suffered an abrupt and painful death as its inner ear canal imploded.

Park representatives said "This is the one thing we didn't want to happen."

Lock Up Your Trees

2005-09-18T08:03:00.000Z

The Minster of Trees was yesterday reported to be delighted after a scheme called 'Lock Up Your Trees' was launched by a the holiday village Centre Parcs at Longleat Forest. The Minster of Trees said he was 'over the moon that people were concerned about the disappearance of their trees'.

Flat Pack Bookcase Remains Flat Packed In Hallway

2005-08-13T13:41:00.000Z

A flat pack bookcase bought from DIY store B&Q, remains in the hallway, unassembled almost three and a half years after it was originally purchased, experts suggest not really been arsed as a possible motive behind the neglect

The bookcase is made out of Form Pine and features six tiers with overall dimensions of 1890x830x275mm, handy for storing or indeed displaying a whole range of items

Unfortunately the decorative items shown on the label were not included

Monkeys Picnic in the Park

2005-08-12T14:15:00.000Z

A group of several charming young monkeys made the most of the pleasant summer climate and enjoyed a delightful picnic in the grounds of Royal Victoria Park in Bath

The well behaved and incredibly polite primates settled down to a feast of potted meat sandwiches and a selection of fine cheese and biscuits atop a tartan blanket, on the lush green lawn in front of Bath's infamous Royal Crescent

"They were so nice and gracious," commented a park ranger, "When they came for a round of adventure golf they were friendly and warm, I only wish all my customers were so pleasant, it really makes my job worth while to assist courteous folk like that to have an enjoyable and entertaining day out."

The monkeys were certainly well organised and even collected up all their rubbish and placed it in a litterbin after they had finished the scrumptious al fresco banquet.

These primates have certainly helped to restore society's faith in allowing chimps into public venues, proving that with a little preparation, given the opportunity, monkeys can indeed behave themselves in royal parks.

Competition Sabotaged By Syrup Fiend

2005-08-11T21:29:00.000Z

An entry into an original composition music contest was sabotaged after a didgeridoo was filled with golden syrup

After hours of examining CCTV footage and speaking to witnesses, no culprit had yet been traced

Local Man Test Driving MPV Has No Intention Of Purchasing Car But Has Every Intention Of Driving It To B&Q To Pick Up Some Shelves

2005-08-10T13:54:00.000Z

Scandal rocked the Platinum car dealership as it was uncovered that a local man who claimed to be interested in purchasing an MPV actually had no intention of purchasing the car, and was actually abusing the test drive to pick up some shelves from the Trowbridge branch of DIY store B&Q on Bradley Road

"The shelves were too long to fit into my ford ka," confessed the local rascal, "and I don't like driving along with them hanging out of an open boot, so it seemed a logical thing to do"

Neighbours of the test drive abuser were said to be delighted with his outrageous antics "Now he's got the shelves he finally has somewhere to display his great collection of cheeses from around the world."

Potentially Dangerous Animal Escapes From Drayton Manor

2005-08-09T14:12:00.000Z

Police in the Tamworth area have advised residents to be on the look out for an escaped and potentially dangerous animal which managed to flee captivity at Drayton Manor Zoo.

Gerald the ant, measuring a lofty 3cm and with enough venom to make a leaf feel quite uncomfortable for a few seconds, managed to escape his enclosure at the Zoo while keepers were routinely cleaning the enclosure.

"I turned by back for one second and when I looked around Gerald was running away," claimed a distressed keeper at the Staffordshire park, "Gerald No! I exclaimed but it was too late he was slowly getting away."

Gerald rampaged out of the park in a whirlwind of frenzy, spectators informed the police investigators, the ant was unstoppable and furious about the coldness of the chips in the park.

Fourteen hours after Gerald had escaped his enclosure he reached the park boundaries, not even Drayton's security team with a half pint glass and a beer mat could bring the runaway insect to a halt.

This was the last sighting of Gerald, police and Zoological experts believe the ant could still be lurking in the Birmingham area, and have alerted staff at Birmingham international airport to be on guard, as insiders suspect Gerald is heading for the Spanish Costas.

Drayton Manor apologise for the incident and assure people not to worry or panic, as they have lots more ants to see at the park.

Titanic Sinking

2005-07-21T07:55:00.000Z

A report released from the National Iceberg Tracking Authority (NITA) in the United States of America stated that the Titanic could have completed its maiden voyage if Mr and Mrs Cornfield of Texas left the lights on in their Iceberg as suggested when they leave it for the evening. Also they forgot to put the chain on the Iceberg to stop it floating away. Now it finally seams that we have someone to blame for the sinking of the Titanic, Thank you Mr and Mrs Cornfield of Texas yes thats Mr and Mrs Cornfield of Texas.

Minister Of Trees Demands To Be Taken Seriously

2005-07-16T10:42:00.000Z

The Minister of Trees for the British Government has launched, "Tree Taken Seriously", a new campaign to promote awareness of his role and woodland issues.

"The dandy British public are always sceptical of any new government initiatives," said the Minister, "I hope that the Tree Taken Seriously campaign will get people on board, and conscious of issues such as woodland rape and foliage abuse, which in this day in age need to be stamped out."

Ask Stu Group Make Surprise Acquisition

2005-07-15T22:39:00.000Z

The Ask Stu Group once again shocked the city with the surprise announcement of the acquisition of the Cheeky Chicken fast food outlet in Blackpool.

The three most senior company directors were on hand to personally supervise the take over, which Media & Cultural Director Rasna Hanspal commented "Cheeky Chicken is just what we all needed right now"

"We believe Cheeky Chicken will make a valuable addition to our portfolio of leading brands" said company chairman Stu Simms, as he dropped his chips and vomited into the gutter.

Tension Builds At The Final Of The World Watching Paint Dry Championship

2005-07-15T13:43:00.000Z

Dramatic scenes of deep concentration and extreme tension of the forty-seventh annual World Watching Paint Dry Championships, been held this year at the Guild Hall in Preston.

Jamie Von Lederhosen of Austria and Herb Garret of Canada have made it to the head to head final of the contest out of over eight thousand entrants from across the globe, the two will compete in a furious mind battle, to scoop the prize of 250,000 skittles.

"I'm looking forward to getting on top of Garret," chuckled eccentric Austrian Von Lederhosen, who's presence in the final has been a huge shock to fans, "My home village in the mountains back home are all cheering me on, toppling Garret would mean a lot to everybody."

Six times world champion Garret has so far showed great form beating off some fierce competition but has he got the potential to beat off Von Lederhosen? Only time will tell, live uncut coverage of the event will be broadcast all day Saturday on BBC2.

Imaginary Top Hat Prevented From Blowing Off In Minor Air Conditioning Incident

2005-07-08T11:58:00.000Z

The original superhero prevented what would have been yet another catastrophe when he used his arms of steel to stop his imaginary top hat form blowing off, in the turbulence of a trendy bar's air-conditioning system.

"It was lucky I did," claimed the superhero, who continued ",as the secret formula to what makes kelloggs frosties taste so grrrreat was hidden inside my top hat at the time."

Ask Stu Group AGM Journeys Outside The Boardroom

2005-06-18T17:06:00.000Z

The annual general meeting of the Ask Stu Group took place for the first time outside of the boardroom, in a branch of the local JD Wetherspoons, as part of a new dynamic strategy "Outside of the Boardroom"

"Most organisations attempt to think simply outside of the box," commented Mr Nichols the Director of Guest Relations for the Ask Stu group, and Minister of Trees for the British Government, "We hope that by thinking outside of a boardroom, which is indeed a larger area than a box, we can be more flexible to our consumers constantly evolving demands and realise better returns for our shareholders, while we're in the pub, its not just about getting drunk, think about it we could switch the lights and heating off in the boardroom, that's got to mean we can create cost savings and make better returns."

Youthful Rogues Prevented From Boarding Arriva Crazy Bus

2005-06-16T21:01:00.000Z

A group of youthful rogues were refused permission to board the Arriva Crazy Bus service from the Drayton Manor stop in Tamworth.

The route goes to Drayton Manor and back again, several times a day, however Staff are only willing to allow passengers under 1.2m in height to use the service. The local Mayor is said to be outraged.

Gaby Roslin Held Prisoner In Own Home By Heron

2005-06-14T17:40:00.000Z

TV personality Gaby Roslin has been imprisoned in her Berkshire home by a Heron.

Police were called to the former big breakfast presenter's Berkshire residence following neighbours reports of a kafuffle in the early hours of the morning.

Intelligence suggests that the star is locked in the under stairs cupboard with only basic rations and the 1987 AA good pub guide for company.

"If I know Gaby she won't let the Heron break her," said personal friend and former big breakfast co-host Chris Evans, "In an ironic sense it's the Heron who is the real prisoner."

Zoo Manager Finds Relief From Pressures Of Work

2005-06-12T22:20:00.000Z

A Zoo manager, at the Chippenham Zoo has revealed in an exclusive interview to the Wiltshire Times how he copes with the stresses and pressures of his demanding role in Zoo management.

"I find it helpful to have a chimp to slap" said the manager.

Places Still Available At Uncle Stu's Half Term Fun Club

2005-06-02T09:57:00.000Z

Having trouble keeping the kids entertained this half term? Is the presence of the little nippers interupting your daytime tv viewing pleasure? Is the uproar of having the children at home streesing you the fuck out and making you turn to cocaine for comfort?

Stop, Relax! Uncle Stu has all the answers!

Uncle Stu would like to announce that he still has spaces left at his half term fun club, we have everything from balloon to bouncey castles to keep your nippers entertained just call 0800-UncleStu

Shamed Neighbours Actor Shoved Out Of Moving Car

2005-05-31T10:41:00.000Z

Shamed Neighbours star Bruce Kennedy was shoved out of a moving car after infuriating police in the Estonian capital of Tallinn.

Kennedy was sacked from his popular role in the hit Australian soap neighbours after disgracing himself on the internet, smothering his naked body in marmite on a web cam conversation with a fan.

The axed star was in Tallinn, on the European leg of his self-promotional tour, in which he makes appearances at universities and student bars to fund his sherbet addiction, when he was arrested by police for urinating in the flowerbed of a park.

Following the arrest, eye-witnesses recall Kennedy been bundled into a police car, which speed off into the distance.

However Kennedy had an escape plan, as he victoriously recalled at a press conference, stating "I couldn't afford to spend another night in the cells I had to escape, so I hatched a plan," claimed the soap star, "So I let of a really banging fart, the policemen who were holding me were so disgusted they opened the door and shoved me out of the moving vehicle."

Lost Inca Discovered Inside Draw In Devizes

2005-05-30T14:35:00.000Z

The ancient world of the Inca has uncovered during recent spring-clean-excavation work in a draw, in Devizes, Wiltshire.

The discovery of the lost Inca, has baffled historians who previously believed the ancient empire to be of a purely Mexican origin.

"This finding has opened a whole new series of questions into the story of the Incas," commented the domestic archaeologist responsible for unearthing, "I only hope thse questions can be resolved by an hour long episode of Time Team, with Tony Robinson and that guy with the white beard, and the one with the hat and strong west country accent."

Gazmataz Utilises Inhaling Powers To Pull Woman With Drinks Towards Him

2005-05-29T21:10:00.000Z

The original superhero was once again showcasing helpful uses for his superpowers, by using his super inhaling skills, to draw a woman with drinks from across a crowded bar, towards him without spilling a single drop.

Big Brother 6 Set To Be Evilest Series Ever

2005-05-29T11:51:00.000Z

Big Brother UK is world renowned for its evil experiments and the sixth series is set to be no exception, as insiders working for the Channel 4 reality show have exclusively revealed

The housemates will be tortured every breakfast time, as "Evil Big Brother" supplies only orange juice with the juicy bits in it, oh the bastards

This breakfast time torture is set to prove cult TV viewing for the next three months.

Ailing Attendance Figures Resolved By Virtual Visitor Smuggling

2005-05-28T13:08:00.000Z

The nautical "Dropped Anchors" maritime attraction, has implemented a new policy to counterbalance ailing attendance figures

The new "Virtual Smuggling" practise, illustrated in the photograph above, will treat potential guests to an experience, of what it was really like to be smuggled in ye olde times, as costumed pirates bundle you away from alternative leisure pursuits into the attraction

Early reports suggest that attendance to the Easter school break period was up 165% on previous years

Original Super Hero Triumphs Once Again

2005-05-23T16:12:00.000Z

Scene One:

Interior Vanessa Feltz's secret lair. Gazmataz is tied to a chair, enduring unbearable torture.

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Like I said Ms Feltz, the only way a perilous plump puffin like yourself could ever obtain my cell phone number is to ask my brother, and I don't think he's got the giddy grolsh goggles on

Vanessa Feltz:

Very well then Gazmataz the Original Superhero, I shall get up from my affordable executive styled chair which I purchased along with my other home office essentials from Office World, to inform you I'll just ask him

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

(Gazmataz the Original Super Hero's hands being to tingle) oh my Trisha Goddard, my jazz hands are tingling! Listen wench, I have no time for your product placement filled, frivolous foreplay, for there is a very real danger about, and I intend to straddle that wild stallion and ride it hard taming its troublesome mind with my thighs of justice.

(Gazmataz the Original Super Hero busts out of his shackles and leaps out of the window)

[Titles]{theme tune}

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero

Drinks tall Americano at Cafe Nero

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero

The trouble's always near though

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero

Takes more shit than Mr-fucking-Dinero

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero

Just call o-eight-hundred, two, two, two, triple zero

Scene Two

Interior Stubert's house. The house is dark, for there is no electricity. Enter Gazmataz.

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Bleeding syphilis blisters, where's all the shinny lights and electrical appliances Stubert?

Stubert:

I have no idea Gazmataz the Original Super Hero, for I was indulging in a documentary about squirrels waltzing through an enchanted forest when the power went out.

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Well you were right to call me, for I have my illuminating sabre thing,

(Gazmataz, illuminates, his illuminating sabre thing)

Stubert:

Splendid now we have a working light to resolve this sticky chocolate fudge cake pudding of a situation

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

A sticky situation indeed, which has all the traces of the work of my arch enemy Powergenus

(Enter Powergenus, leaping through a French window)

Powergenus:

(evil laugh) aha that's correct for I have stopped the electrical input to your friend, David Blunket's house

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

But this isn't David Blunket's house, this is the house of Stubert Von Smallhousen

Powergenus:

Argh shit, (talks into watch) reconnect the stoat.

(Lights and electricity come back on)

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

That's better Powergenus, you fiend

Powergenus:

Well sorry to have troubled you I'll be on my way (re-exits backwards through French window)

Stubert:

Wow my house is once again with electrical input, all thanks to you Gazmataz the Original Super Hero

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Don't mention it, my Swedish friend, all in a days work

Stubert:

Are you sure I cannot repay you in anyway?

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Well did you have any ice cream in the freezer that may have got a bit melty when the power went out?

Stubert:

Yes, yes I do

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Mmm melty, hold that thought (pauses, shudders) right super. Now I must go, for I am needed elsewhere, I'm needed wherever laggards lurk, wherever vile villains violate velvet monkeys, wherever treacherous trouble makers touch young impressionable otters in inappropriate places. Don't you understand stubert I must go and my quest maybe so dangerous, so intense, so unbelievably complex, its safe to say one thing, you'll never see me ever again

(false exit, re-enters)

Gazmataz the Original Super Hero:

Have you got any jump leads my car won't start.

The End.

Yes We're Still Alive

2005-05-01T17:19:00.002Z

This is a post just to confirm that both gary and myself are very much still alive,

while we've been away we've been very busy writing dissertations, handing them in, drinking lots of vodka to celebrate, falling off swings while under the influence of vodka, walking through the streets with my trousers around ankles, falling over due to trousers around ankles, waking up a few days later and finally going to hospital with minor head injuries from falling off swing . . . well ok that was just me

but we're back form York, where Gary drove and "parked" a boat (strictly not sailed and moored) and soon we're off to Estonia, but we can't say when so you don't rob our houses and steal our priceless pictures of impressionable young otters while we're away

Rolf Harris Blimp Finally Gunned Down After Eight Hour Drunken Joyride

2005-04-10T12:57:00.000Z

Rolf Harris was shot from the sky by police, after stealing a blimp and drunkenly causing a danger to people from the sky.

Police were first alerted about the drunken joyride, after reports of the Animal Hospital star urinating over visitors to LegoLand from the airship.

Rolf then proceeded to head towards central London in the Blimp, now chased by a police entourage, drunkenly swerving through the clouds from left to right, "I'm no blimp expert" commented Margie Smithers of Windsor, "but clearly he had no idea how to pilot the blimp and was heavily under the influence of alcohol, often exposing his rear end and pressing it up against the big glass picture windows of the cabin"

After nearly eight hours of dramatic chase tension, Rolf was finally shot from the sky, crashing into an unused Little Chef restaurant. Insiders comment that Rolf was heading for a hamster sanctuary and was planning to crash headlong into the complex following a disagreement with a Hamster on a Tuesday evening in 1994.

Giant Cat Ominously Looms Over Lego Town Carnival Preparations

2005-04-09T19:34:00.000Z

Preparations for the annual Lego Town carnival have been put on hold following the arrival of a giant kitten which is ominously overlooking the setting up of the fun fair.

"It just arrived out of nowhere," commented a shop keeper of the town square, "nobody is sure how long its been there, but it doesn't move, even if we throw stones at it, or try to move it on with a water cannon, it just stands eerily still, continuing to look down with a menacing glare"

The Mayor of Lego Town is fuming, "how dare this cat turn up and spoil our yearly festivities? We're not letting any giant pets with ominous looks in their eyes spoil our fun, the carnival will go ahead and we'll all just ignore the kitten and hopefully it will go away, back to which ever giant land it came from."

Bears on Bikes

2005-04-03T10:37:00.000Z

The World Famous Longleat Safari Park in Wiltshire has spent the winter training their beloved bears to ride bicycles for their guest's amusement after the success of the bike riding parrot that was installed a few years previous. A spokesman for Longleat said "the bears were absolute naturals I can't think why we didn't think of it sooner it's a guaranteed money maker." the bears were quoted to say "We love it, it's much easier that walking any day of the week and we get treats to."

Jethro 3D Now Playing Exclusively At Bristol IMAX

2005-04-02T14:09:00.000Z

Bristol IMAX is proud to showcase the world premier the spectacular 3D film "Jethro 3D: The Search For The Beast of Bodmin Moor"

Academy Award winning director James Cameron presents dramatic and visually stunning series of expeditions deep into the heart of Cornwall to find the legendary Beast that roams Bodmin Moor.

The remarkable journey is guided by West Country comedian Jethro, who brings his wonderfully enchanting comedic genius to the film, as he meets a series of local characters, who share their own tales and encounters to lead the search closer to the Beast.

Industry insiders suggest that Disney are impressed by Jethro's remarkable performance and are in talks to get the Comedian to star in a new attraction planned to save their ailing Paris theme parks.

Blue Peter Presenters Open Controversial STIs Attraction

2005-04-01T12:37:00.000Z

Blue Peter presenters turned up to officially open the controversial new attraction Miss Hippos Fungle Safari, a museum which aims to let young children discover the world of sexually transmitted infections, with the help of jungle cartoon characters.

The attraction showcases around 25 different sexually transmitted infections through state of the art, interactive "hands on" exhibits, including the "Chlamydia Carousel", "Haunted House of Herpes", "Gonorrhoea Go Karts" and the "Syphilis Splash Log Flume"

The subject of the attraction and intended young target market has caused outrage amongst the members of the community, known as old farts, however the attractions managing director commented "STIs are some of the commonest infections around the world and affect people of all ages, races and sexuality, it's important to educate children young so they can make informed decisions when the time is right"

Enraged West Country Farmers Blockade Box Tunnel

2005-03-26T10:34:00.000Z

Enraged West Country Framers have blockaded the Box Tunnel in protest over cheap imports infiltrating the West Country economy, causing mass unemployment across the region.

"We aren't letting anymore non west country imports into the west until the Queen puts a quota on them," commented a furious farmer "All these imports from the East and North are undercutting the west country produced goods, and meaning we have to shut our factories, farms and tin mines down, which is disastrous for our economy"

Although by blocking the Box Tunnel, the gateway and indeed only entrance to the West Country (apart from by sea or air) the farmers also blocked any tourists from entering the region, and bringing their shinny coins to the folk in Devon and Cornwall "Apples and pears, I want a Devonshire cream tea governor," commented a tourist from Cockneysham near London.

Prime Minister Lionel Blair has promised to send a water cannon to disperse the blockade, unless they are cleared by Thursday and allow his delivery of organic Devonshire jam through, meanwhile the protestors continue the blockade.

New Channel Five Breakfast Show Debuts To General Aclaim

2005-03-24T20:30:00.000Z

Channel Five's new early morning breakfast TV show, "Get Up And Scream Like A Fucking Banshee" debuted to general acclaim and run of the mill ratings.

Billed as a mix of informal topical chat and zany political antics, highlights include a regular feature, in which Howard Brown, from the Halifax bank adverts, runs around the garden stark bollock naked with a brown paper bag over his head, chanting the day's share index news to an Eminem soundtrack.

The show is fronted by a youthful team of in your face presenters, photographed above, is made up of a mixture of ex-MTV hosts, soap actresses with failed pop careers, and a former Blue Peter presenter who was sacked for snorting cocaine off the diamond incrusted vaginal passage of a sleazy prostitute working undercover for a Sunday newspaper.

Overpaid TV executive types in suits and bowler hats had placed the future of the entire company on the success of this revolutionary new early morning concept show. However only 625 viewers tuned in to watch the launch of the programme today.

"We deliberately planned for a low key launch, and aren't surprised by the low ratings," commented a TV executive type, who was drizzled in honey, "Nobody watches channel five apart from a select ex local authority estate in Sunderland anyway so what the arse does it matter anyway?"

The show is expected to be re-launched with a new format in a few months time, before been replaced by more episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond in the summer.

USA Use Live Targets To Spice Up Their Target Ranges

2005-03-22T10:39:00.000Z

The US government released this picture today of there new target range, they believe that this will help the army's aim. The live human targets are allowed to slowly shuffle from side to side, but only slowly because they don't want to make it too hard for the army to hit them other wise they will be there all day.

Dandy Gents Casually Float By Despite Obvious Plumbing Catastrophe

2005-03-20T12:30:00.000Z

Leek, Staffordshire - It twas last wednesday when two dapper and dandy gents casually floated past a terrace of noted beauties, even breaking into a friendly wave, despite a clear and evident plumbing catastrophe.

"It's just typical of an English Gent to put a brave face on everything, even at times of clear calamity," noted one of the noted beauties, a first hand witness to the events

"I wonder what they were doing in the Bath together and fully clothed?" wondered a second bystander

The gents are expected to make a statement to the press, later this evening to clarify the episode

Attempts To Film Comedy Sketch Foiled By Invisible Glass Force-Field

2005-03-19T18:46:00.000Z

Attempts to video record a sketch of comedic value at a sensitive Roman site of historical importance were foiled by an invisible glass force-field.

Here we see a keen director thwarted by the force-field and able to move no further forward, the director commented "help i'm unable to progress forwards" the president commented "perhaps he should have brought some butter to assist his entrance, after all it is the lube of the moment"

New Little Chef Promotion

2005-03-18T12:39:00.000Z

The Little Chef that we have all become accustomed too and love is been change for this strange new man. It is obvious that he isn't even a chef he looks more like a BA Face painting with Balloon modelling student. The Little Chef have been quoted saying "we want a more Italian feel to our road side restaurants so we got this guy in who can't stand up straight. We think he might be drunk." After contacting the new 'Guy' he said "I'm clearly not drunk its just subsidence and my foundations are drying out".

Generic Student Group Generically Poses For Generic, Group of Generic Students Posing Generically For A Group Photograph, Photograph

2005-03-18T04:48:00.000Z

A generic group of students visiting a generically quaint "ye oldey worldey" village, generically posed for generic photograph, of a generic group of students posing generically in a generically quaint village in front of a generically Tudor styled generic house, last Shrewsday in the afternoon just prior to sampling some fine tea.

How Dare They Sell Love Juice?

2005-03-14T17:09:00.000Z

Quite easily actually, as this photo illustrates, the illustrious company offers potential consumers to opportunity to purchase their Love Juice through a kiosk, one of which is situated in this mystery location within Stansted Airport, which likes to think it is located within the fine village of Londonshire.

We are still unaware whether this Juice for love making or the Juice of love making, we were too scared to attempt to sample such potentially salty beverages in full public view, we have far too much respect for the British airport environment, as these scoundrels quite clearly don't.

What Is Cock-O-Van?

2005-03-14T17:04:00.000Z

The kittens asked what is cock-o-van? A ford transit containing male genitalia perhaps, or just chicken in a sauce? We'll never know.

Mr Kipling Acknowledges Exceedingly Good Affair

2005-03-12T01:23:00.000Z

Mr Kipling, the ultimate purveyor of fine cakes, would like to acknowledge an "exceedingly good" affair he had with actress Su Pollard, during the mid 1980s.

"It was exceedingly good" Mr Kipling recognised, that's acknowledgement for you!

Stu Confesses Secret Anguish Over Forthcoming Excursion To Alton Towers

2005-03-12T00:53:00.000Z

Stu would like to confess his secret anguish over the prospect of a forthcoming excursion to Alton Towers.

"I'm concerned," revealed the dapper gent, "we will be staying overnight, as part of a trip organised by fellow students, and they haven't selected to stay at the convenient on-site alton towers hotels, to which I am now accustomed, I just hope there will be adequate tea and coffee making facilities."

Wow that's anguish for you!

Gary and Stu Announce Excitement At Forthcoming Excursion To Alton Towers

2005-03-12T00:49:00.000Z

Gary & Stu are pleased to announce their excitement over a forthcoming excursion to Alton Towers, this coming Wednesday.

"We can't wait!" announced the lads, that's excitement for you

Distressed Monkey Finds Comfort In Binge Drinking Following Over-Exposure To Gazmataz's Genitalia

2005-03-12T00:41:00.000Z

A distressed monkey has found comfort in binge drinking following a dangerously long period of over-exposure to the genitalia of "Mr Gazmataz".

The monkey, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, previously had a successful career in casino resort management and was looking forward to taking a well deserved early retirement until he befriended the fiendish "Mr Gazmataz".

It all went down hill from there, the Monkey, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, lost his job, his family, his friends and most important of all his dignity.

He found himself living in a drunken world of sleazy underground clubs and experimental amateur dramatics, where he subsequently established a passionate relationship with "Mr Gazmataz", performing shameful sexual deeds to pay for his Kelloggs brand crunchy nut corn flake addiction.

It is during this dark period of the monkey's, who cannot be named for legal reasons, life that the extreme episodes of contact with "Mr Gazmataz's" genitalia mentally scared the Monkey for life.

Onlookers say that the monkey, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has turned to binge drinking to comfort his troubled mind. Poor, poor, poor monkey, who cannot be named for legal reasons.

Serial Airbrusher Turned Into Ginger Kitten By Vengeful Power of Magical Wishing

2005-03-12T00:33:00.000Z

The population of Finland breathed a sigh of relief this afternoon, following the news that serial airbrusher and serial masturbator, Gazmataz, has been magically turned into a ginger kitten following the vengeful wishes of airbrush victim, the respected professor Simms, of Buckinghamshire orphan hospital, a hospital for orphans . . orphans with diseases.

The professor took time out of his busy schedule, of charity work, to comment "I'm not bitter that I was the victim of an airbrush attack"

Despite the inconvenience, the sickness of Gazmataz shone through, as he proudly announced to the world's media, he enjoys his new form, as he's finally able to lick his own ass hole clean, and take a shite in a plastic tray in the kitchen, and wee on a sheet of newspaper in the utility room.

Soap On A Rope

2005-03-11T15:17:00.000Z

The kittens had walked the long 33 and a third miles to Bath they had all brought along their soap and flannels to wash behind their ears. They arrived at Bath and headed straight for the roman baths as the kittens were part Italian. The over inflated pricing structure of the establishment forced them to pay £9.50 each for a trip around the baths. The nice lady attendant informed them just as they were about to get into water that the water was contaminated and they couldn't wash behind their ears. One kitten dropped the soap in the panic to get away from the water that the attendant slipped on it and fell into the water and lived a happy and fruitful life even if she was a slight shade of green.

Who's Dipping into the Naughty Shop?

2005-03-11T09:05:00.000Z

Do you know this man?

He is renowned for having a strange fur fetish also he enjoys dressing up in Viking regalia and posing as an official pillager of erotic shops in France. This is believed to be a throw back for many generations where his ancestors were sent on a mission to conquer France but were met by a bunch of liberal French maids who couldn't wait to let the Viking man have there way with them. The Vikings were so shocked that they headed for the nearest shop which happened to be one of erotic fancy (in fact the whole street was full of them so they didn't have much choice) they stayed in hiding for many days and nights and tested many products and services. This man is thought to be looking for what remains of the pillaging party and there products as he want to ensure that they are sill working order.

Gary Successfully Recruits Passing Actress For Lead Role In Forthcoming Amateur Film

2005-03-09T23:58:00.000Z

Mr Gary Nichols, Esquire, Returns from Bath having successfully recruited the lead role for his forthcoming amateur movie "The Tales of a Dandy Highway Man" which we're told will involve squirrels, crazy golf and a tanker of honey.

The Actress, believed to be of washed-up-soap-star status, is just glad of the recognition and happy to be entertaining an audience no matter how small.

"I just found her by a natural sping," commented Gary, who went on to add "She says she was made to visit the highly over priced attraction because it was part of a trip for contemporary trends in tourism, but i like to think she was forced up through the limestone beneanth the surface of Bath and had was just getting out of the spring and about to make a phone call to 118-thingy to find the nearest local film maker"

Poor Restaurant Service Prompts Stu To Eat Decorative Flower In Sheer Despair

2005-03-09T23:43:00.000Z

The dissatisfactory level of service at the Speckled Crab, a restaurant type of establishment in Hastings, Sussex, prompted customer and dandy-dress-sensed Stu into such a state of pure despair and bewilderment it provoked him to eat a decorative flower.

On lookers describe a scene of photographic horror at witnessing such anguish over restaurant service experience, on witness commented "I wish the bluddy spell checker in word would stop automatically correcting my miss-spelling of the word restaurant to restraint."

Twenty Pence Piece Takes Own Life In Bishop's Finger

2005-03-06T00:20:00.000Z

Dramatic scenes in a traditional shanty, Hastings, where a lonely twenty pence piece took its own life by drowning in a pint of Bishop's Finger.

The Coin had a life of misery and torture, had just endured a long and painful divorce and was fuelled by the extortionate prices of real ale by the sea-side, finally things just got too much and he decided to end his suffering. Our thoughts are with the coins family at this desperately sad time.

Rock Lobster Aftermath

2005-03-06T00:10:00.000Z

. . . Previously on The New Adventures Of Gary and Stu In Neverland . . . everybody I've told about the file is dead . . . tell your father don't start the car (boom) . . in all my years of research I've never seen a virus spread this fast . . . Lois this case is over . . . . who did this to you? . . . face it he's never coming out of that coma (slap) . . . you want my badge number? Here's my freeking badge number . . . . (elbaorate chase scene, dramatic music, exploding helicopters and boats etc . . . . oh my god Gary's gone in the English sea in Feburary!

what a fool, though i would have joined him if i'd only remembered to pack my flippers, why, why why must i forget darn this cruel world and its constant mocking

Rock Lobster

2005-03-03T23:55:00.000Z

A young man was on a quest to discover Hastings famous Rock Lobster which resided in the coastal waters just of the pebbled beach area by the sewage pipe. Undeterred by the raw sewage pouring from the pipe he started on the long walk in to the sea when the government of the USA popped up accusing him of trying to enter their county by wadding across the Atlantic Ocean (even through the young man was in the English Channel and heading more towards France than the USA). So the young man was allowed to go free but warned never to go in the sea again. After the young man had left the scene of the crime the government of the USA revelled themselves to be the Royal Society For The Protection Of The Rock Lobster Of Hastings and had been under cover the whole time just to protect the rock lobster.

The Disappearing Minibus Trick

2005-03-03T23:33:00.000Z

The kittens had abandoned their boat at ST Austell harbour and were travelling the highways of the large isle of Britain. They had hired an executive coach once used by the pop kings Busted back in their heyday (imagine that a day where everything turns to hay just for the day mind you). So of they went that well known DIY superstore B&Q to buy some shelves to put into their executive coach as they felt it need more storage room. But alas when they returned the coach had disappeared and a magical van selling crisps and tea was in its place.

Drug Dealing Ducks Dismissed Down Dirty Dark Drive Doing Diabolical Deeds

2005-03-03T00:00:00.000Z

Ten and a half ducks were discharged from a local Lidl store in Daventry or was it Aldi we just don't give a monkeys. The ducks then complained to the local authority saying that they had been cast out into the cold winter's snow. They say "we were browsing brown bread by banana bagels and biscuits."

The store mangers Jim Smuggler and Cliff Railway said "they were shitting all over the floor which caused and elderly customer to fall and break her hip. We asked nicely to leave the premises but they said no so we said do it and that told them."

The Mayor said the ducks will have to walk through the streets in shame and they have now been sold to the National trust. For the full story listen Mallard Mix 106.6 FM

The 1st Comming

2005-03-02T19:05:00.000Z

Ah 'tis day one and the kittens have dropped anchor in St Austell Harbour. They were attracted by the promise of a marine heritage museum open 9 - 5 daily, but alas it was closed for it was Christmas day and there was snow on the ground not a lot just a light dusting about 2-3 centimetres, they were foolish young kittens as not even non seasonal museums which open all year round are open on Christmas day. Oh aren't they silly.